All My Elflings
by Rubiie
Summary: What if LOTR was a soap opera? What if Aragorn refuses to be king, Arwen is up to something fishy and Eowyn is desperate to find out? And what would actually happen if Elrond and Thranduil were best friends?
1. Beginning a quest

_-Random, sappy theme music plays-_

_Eowyn spins around in a flouncy green dress and smiles at the camera while it slowly zooms in. In a cinematic overlay, we then see Aragorn look at Eowyn, she looks over her shoulder at Aragorn and then at Faramir who randomly appeared in the shot…._

_We now see Legolas running away from Susan who is wearing a ridiculously puffy and huge wedding dress, but trips and falls because of the voluminous pannier. Merry and Pippin are sitting on a low stone wall watching Susan struggle to get up._

_Frodo shuffles around aimlessly with Sting dancing around behind him. Sam is following them carrying a plate of cinnamon rolls. Merry and Pippin tackle Sam and begin devouring said cinnamon rolls._

_Galadriel and Celeborn are shown next, Celeborn is deliberately not looking at Galadriel. Boromir looks down at his chest and suddenly there's an arrow sticking out of it, he adopts a what the eff look before going off in a huff._

* * *

><p>Isildur is shown looking up terrified at Sauron. He grabs the closest thing to him, the sword which is given one heck of a crappy zoom in shoot, picks it up and slices off Sauron's ring finger with it, dramatic music is played.<p>

"Ow! What the hell!" Sauron yelled.

"Sorry, but you were going to kill me." Isildur shrugged.

"No I wasn't! I was just going to plunge my sword into the ground for dramatic effect, not kill you! Ow man, what the hell?" Sauron said before storming off.

Elrond ran up to Isildur, all sweaty and filthy from killing lots of things. "Quickly we must go to Mount Doom and cast the ring into the fire!"

"Can we do it tomorrow? I'm tired." Isiludr complained.

"No."

So the two men walked up to Mount Doom. Isildur stood on the conveniently located bridge and stared down at the lava.

"Cast it into the fire already!" Elrond yelled at him.

"But, I don't want to. I've never had any jewelry in my life, and this ring is pretty nice."

"No, that is not how the story is supposed to go! You have to throw it in!"

"I think it's real gold Elrond." Isildur bit the ring. "Ow. Yep, it's real gold. I'm keeping it." And with that, Isildur walked out of Mount Doom with the ring.

Elrond fell to his knees. "Noooo!" He cried out shaking his fists at the sky. The camera zooms out slowly.

* * *

><p>Arwen is wandering around aimlessly in her bedroom at Rivendell, "Oh, Erestor, do you think Aragorn will live through this perilous journey?"<p>

Erestor looked at his reflection in one of Arwen's many mirrors in her room, "Huh? I don't know." He picked up one of her many tiaras and tried it on, "How do I look?"

Arwen glanced over her shoulder, "Not as good as me."

"You know, if you keep insulting me then you'll have no one to talk to…and then you'll be a_lone_," Erestor sighed then switched the tiara for a pair of dangly sparkly earrings.

"He's so manly, he bathes in dirt you know, that's how manly he is. Oh, I just love him!"

"The first time you met he thought you were Luthien and you hated him."

"Well, yes-"

"You wanted to kill him, remember? You were about to order that battle axe and everything," Erestor admired himself in the mirror, "These earrings make my eyes sparkle!"

"But now I love him and want to marry him," Arwen defended herself, "I'm ok with watching him grow old while I look forever young."

"Are you ok with giving him lots of babies? Cause your body is gonna go through the mill if you do."

"Yes, but I'm an elf, so it'll just snap back to normal-"

"Like elastic!" Erestor interrupted, Arwen shot him a look of deep disgust.

* * *

><p>"Frodo of the Shire, you must leave Bag End by the 30th of September!" Gandalf said dramatically.<p>

"Why?"

"Er, because if you don't nazgul will come and er, tear down your house, yeah, that's it. They'll tear it down but first they'll make it all messy and leave their dirty socks everywhere," Gandalf shifted in his chair uncomfortably.

"No! Not socks!" Frodo cried.

"Yes, socks, and really greasy food too, they'll leave Mutton King wrappers everywhere."

"But I like my house."

"And the nazgul will too, if you don't leave soon," Gandalf took a sip of tea.

"But I just got the curtains to match the rug in the living room, and I just got lovely new granite countertops-"

"Which are porous so bacteria will live in it and no matter how hard you scrub the counters _will never be clean." _Gandalf interrupted.

"Fine," Frodo said through gritted teeth, "I would have gotten stainless steel now that I have been informed but you just _had _to tell me that I gotta move." He sighed, "Who's going to look after the house while I'm gone?"

"Fatty Bolger could."

"Hell no, I invited him over once and he got food in places I thought you never could. I spent weeks scrubbing the little crevices in between the floorboards. How he got food in the curtain rods I'll never ever know."

"You'll find someone I'm sure. Perhaps a certain old wizard might do?" Gandalf said as nonchalantly as he could.

"You're absolutely right! I'll call Sarumon on the phone right now! Oh wait, phones haven't been invented yet, eh, I'll just send him a letter." Frodo bustled out of the room.

"Frodo I didn't mean-" Gandalf began but was cut off by Frodo slamming the door to the writing room.

* * *

><p>-First commercial break!<p>

Glorfindel pops up on screen, "Hello all you people out there. Are you tired of trying to find someone to go on a date with but have absolutely no connection with them whatsoever so there are lots of awkward silences?" Glorfindel leaned towards the camera and whispered, "Every time there's an awkward silence, an orc is born!"

Then Glorfindel leaped up onto a stage, 'Well then, come on the dating game! We give you three bachelors or bachelorettes depending on your preference, you ask them some questions, get rid of the guys you don't like and by the end of the show, you got a gorgeous piece of man/woman flesh hanging on your arm. Isn't that great? Besides if it's not, it's hilarious and it sells." Glorfindel said the last sentence with a very stern look on his face.

-End of commercial!-

* * *

><p>"You forgot to bring GPS didn't you Sam?" Frodo said, the two hobbits were standing right outside Farmer Maggot's veggie patch.<p>

"No, no, absolutely not, I have it right in…Bag End. Where the nazgul probably are now, making your house dirty with socks." Sam hanged his head in shame.

"And beer, nazgul love beer." Pippin emerged from right out of Farmer's Maggot's garden with a huge basket full of veggies.

Frodo groaned. "I forgot about beer, that house is gonna smell like a frat house! By the way, what are you guys doing here? How did you find me?"

Merry followed Pippin, "Oh, hi Frodo, Sam. We were just following you guys for the past couple of chapters, isn't that great?"

"And stalkerish." Pippin added.

"Why are you guys following us?" Frodo asked.

"Because…" Merry shuffled his feet. "We were…bored and stuff."

"Plus we heard that you left your house and we wanted to know if it's true." Pippin said cheerfully. "But then we heard you telling Sam all those things and we want to go too. We want eternal glory and to meet hot elves and stuff." Merry gave Pippin a look as if to say "Shut up. _Now_."

"No. You guys are not coming with us." Frodo said.

"Please?" Merry asked.

"No."

"Please?"

"I said no."

"_Please?_"

"You guys are going to keep asking me until I say yes, aren't you?"

"Yes!" Merry and Pippin said in unison.

* * *

><p>The scene cuts and now the hobbits are in <em>The Prancing Pony. <em>Aragorn sits next to them at their table.

"I know who you are, Frodo of the Shire." Aragorn said with his hood up.

"Nazgul!" Frodo shouted and tried to stab Aragorn.

"Whoa, hey no! I'm not a nazgul! Gandalf asked me to look after you guys!"

"Oh how nice of him." Pippin said, "How long have you been following us then?"

"I er, haven't been following you at all."

"Don't lie _Strident _we know that something was following us since that pit stop 3 days ago." Merry said.

Butterbur bustled up to them with several tankards of beer. "I've made up your beds and everything. Oh and something in a black cloak asked about you Mr. Underhill."

Frodo did a spit take. After taking a deep breath he managed to say, "And what did you tell them?"

"I told him you were staying here of course! He was a quiet nice chap, but a bit odd. Anyways I told him you were here and he asked me if there was any possibility that there would be Strident here too, so I said yes and he rode off to go get his friends, he said he'd be back soon enough, isn't that nice? They must be old friends of yours. Very anxious to talk to you."

Frodo face palmed. "Butterbur you are the stupidest person I have ever met."

"Thank you Mr. Underhill!" Butterbur said and walked off.

"There is only one thing left to do." Aragorn said sternly.

"You don't mean?" Sam said in an awe struck voice.

"Yes. I do. We must take the secret exit to Rivendell! Follow me dear hobbits!" Aragorn leapt up and ran into the wall. "Argh, wrong secret exit, ok now follow me hobbits!" Aragorn got up and ran out into the street, lifted up a hobo who started shouting nonsense at Aragorn and (Aragorn) jumped down into a hole. The hobbits followed.

"Oh wow." Merry said as they climbed out of a hole in the middle of Rivendell. It was suddenly daylight and mid fall. Several elves rolled their eyes as the rest of the party climbed out, as if it happened every day that a man and 4 hobbits climbed out of a hole in the middle of Rivendell.

"Welcome dear hobbits to Rivendell!" Aragorn said.

"Does Elrond know that you're here?" Glorfindel asked, suddenly leaping down from a tree.

"No! But it's cool, Elrond loves me like a son." Aragorn replied cheerfully and lead the hobbits into the entrance hall of Rivendell. "Hey Elrond, we're here!"

Several minutes later Elrond, looking slightly disheveled walked up to them. "I told you to stop crashing here Aragorn, for Illuvatar's sake, you're 80 something years old, not a college frat boy. Oh, you brought hobbits. I'd better tell the cooks. Illuvatar knows what it was like last time we had hobbits here, nealy ate us out of house and home."

After they had all gotten settled in, the hobbits found one of the most unlikely people they thought would ever show up in Rivendell: Bilbo who was having a little nap under a tree until the hobbits woke him up.

"Bilbo!" Frodo cried and hugged the elderly hobbit.

"What the? Oh Frodo it's you. _Great_." Bilbo muttered. "You know, I came here to get away from you people right?"

"Oh please, how could you possibly want to be away from us?" Merry said, he Pippin and Sam all smiled in a creepily annoying way.

* * *

><p>"Aragorn." Arwen fluttered her eyelashes.<p>

"Yes Arwen."

"I chose a mortal life."

"That's great Arwen."

"No Aragorn I don't think you understand." Arwen sighed in an overly dramatic way, "I choose a mortal life."

"I know my little turtle dove." Aragorn said.

"Hunny bun." Arwen replied, they continued in this way for a few minutes but the author was too sick from sappy cuteness that she almost died.

"I promise to marry you Arwen." Aragorn looked her right in the eyes.

"That's nice, but Elrond is going to send you on a nearly impossible quest that you might not come back from."

"Thanks Arwen." Aragorn said sarcastically.

"You're welcome my sun and stars."

* * *

><p>-Commercial break-<p>

Galadriel appears on TV. She looks at the audience and says in a very dramatic tone "You wanna be on top?"

And then the fellowship of the ring along with Eomer, Faramir, Grima, Gollum and Elrond all started modeling and smizing. Then a voice over came on and said, "Tolkien's next Top Model, 9 PM Shire time."

-End of commercial break-

* * *

><p>Frodo walks into the dining hall in Elrond's house. The first thing he notices is all the tall elfy people around. The next thing he notices is the dwarves not killing the elves and the third thing was:<p>

"Oh wow, this doll looks almost real. How'd they get it to look so lifelike?" Frodo reached out to touch Arwen's arm.

"Yes, I am real, I'm also very beautiful." Arwen said.

Frodo screamed like a school girl and leapt back. "You're alive!"

"Yes, I'm also very beautiful." Arwen said, unblinking. The camera zooms in closer to her face, then switches to Frodo's terror stricken face, then back to Arwen before:

Two wizards and a lion are sitting at a bar. One of the wizards is dressed in grey whilst the other is dressed in an array of colours. The lion looks at the two wizards and then drains his glass nosily. He has a straw by the way, because he can't pick anything up with those lion paws of his.

"Hey Gandalf, don't you have to be somewhere?" The wizard in bright colours asks.

"You know what Dumbledear, at my age you just don't give a damn." Gandalf clapped Dumbledore on the shoulder. Aslan the lion nodded in agreement.

* * *

><p>The next day the council of Elrond was meeting and obviously Erestor did not do a good job of seating arrangements because the dwarves and the elves were sitting next to each other. Elrond swept into the scene rather dramatically with a lot of swishing of robes. "I think we all know why we're here."<p>

"To discuss which is better: Poptarts or toaster strudel." Glorfindel said.

"What no? We're here because-" Elrond tried to say.

"Toaster strudel!" One of the dwarves yelled.

"Noooo poptarts are so much better!" Gandalf interjected. "Toaster strudel doesn't have enough icing!"

"Shut up!" Elrond yelled. "We're here to discuss how to destroy the ring! And Frodo if you would be so kind as to present the ring."

"Nu uh." Frodo said. "My ring." Elrond raised an eyebrow, grudgingly Frodo set the ring on the table like thing in the middle of the council area.

Boromir looked at the ring longingly. "It is a gift."

"From who?" Frodo asked stupidly.

Boromir rolled his eyes. "We could use it to defend ourselves from orcs."

"But the ring only has one true master." Aragorn pointed out.

"Who? That nerd from the comic book shop?" Legolas asked. Aragorn shot him a look. "Shut up Legolas."

"Hey! Don't tell him to shut up!" Saelbeth said angrily.

"Don't tell him what to do!" Boromir said. "It's the elves fault we still have all these stupid rings!"

"Our fault?" Another elf yelled. The humans and the elves all jumped to their feet and began arguing. The dwarves, not wanting to be left out, jumped up and started swinging their axes at everyone.

"I'll take the ring!" Frodo said. "But I don't know the way."

"That's ok Frodo, Aragorn has a built in GPS." Glorfindel smiled at the hobbit.

"Ok, all in favor of letting the hobbit go on an incredibly long and arduous task say "aye"". Elrond said.

"Aye." Replied most of the people there.

"I want to go too!" Legolas pouted.

"Me too!" Gimli said. Legolas' jaw dropped.

"Like hell you are!"

Gimli glared at Legolas. "What? You don't think a dwarf is fit for this task?"

"Well, no frankly."

"Shut up!" Elrond yelled. "Ok, this is how it's gonna work: I will cover my eyes and point to who goes." He did so and at the end they ended up with: Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn, Frodo, Boromir and Gandalf.

"Wait!" Pippin cried and scampered out from under a shrub. "We want to go too!"

Elrond did his classic over the shoulder look at them. "No."

"Oh pretty please?" Merry asked.

"I don't think so little hobbits."

"Why not?" Pippin said.

"Well, you guys just aren't meant for que-" Elrond began to say but stopped when Pippin and Merry pulled out the "Puss in Boots" look where he's holding his hat and looks up at you with big eyes.

"Oh ok! I can't stand it, you guys can go!" Elrond said.

"Yay!" Merry and Pippin said in unison.

Aragorn strode up to Arwen. "Do you think I will survive this?"

"No, I do not." Arwen said plainly.

"Oh." Aragorn said. "Then I want you to know that I love you with every fiber of my being and that I would do anything for you Arwen. _Anything_. Like bathe even."

Arwen's eyes got all misty. "I choose a mortal life."

"Yes Arwen, you've told me that already. By the way, I never asked you, but since I might die during this trip, what kind of music do you like?" Aragorn asked her.

"Why, whatever music _you_ like." Arwen replied simply and smiled.

* * *

><p>Note: Not all events are not set as they are in the books movies. Also the upcoming chapters will be lots more melodramatic.

Did anyone else notice in _Deathly Hallows part 2 _Dumbledore went from wearing grey to wearing white? What is _that_ reminiscent of? Any guesses.

And no, I could not help myself but advertise Tolkien's Next Top Model, I'm shameless. I also love the idea of Aslan, Gandalf and Dumbledore sitting in a bar and complaining about their lives.


	2. The girlfriend problem

-Opening credits are played-

When the show appears back on the telly screen, Arwen and Eowyn are sitting in a restaurant, which is like every other restaurant you see in soap operas, strangely empty.

Eowyn sipped her drink whilst glaring at Arwen. "So, you are Aragorn's betrothed?"

Arwen nodded, "I gave him the evenstar. By the way, how is he?"

"Fine." Eowyn snapped. The two stared at each other for a few seconds before Eowyn directed her attention to her carrier pigeon (because phones aren't around yet) and Arwen played with the straw in her drink.

"You're not even that pretty." Arwen mumbled, "That messenger elf lied. Why Aragorn almost ended up with you, I'll never know."

Eowyn slammed her drink down on the table, "At least I have a thought in my head, unlike you!"

"Yes, but I'll always be beautiful, you're doomed to die old and ugly." Arwen said coolly, Eowyn threw her drink in Arwen's face.

"How dare you!" Arwen got up from the table quickly and grabbed a fistful of Eowyn's hair. They struggled for a few seconds before Eowyn elbowed Arwen in the chest. Arwen stumbled backwards into the table. Suddenly, Aragorn walked through the door.

"Eowyn, Arwen, what are you two doing?" He looked dumbfounded at the two of them. Eowyn looked at him with doe eyes.

"Arwen and I were trying to be civil. Ooh, you're hurt." Eowyn said, motioning to a small cut on Aragorn's forehead. She walked over to Aragorn and was just about to examine it closer, but really all she wanted to do was be closer to him, not fuss over a small cut, when Arwen let out a terrible screech:

"YOU GET AWAY FROM MY MAAANN!" She yelled and body slammed Eowyn. Arwen flipped the hair out of her face. Aragorn, stared wide eyed at the two of them before the chef of the restaurant quickly ushered them out.

* * *

><p>-Flashback-<p>

Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli are out running after the orcs who kidnapped Merry and Pippin, its right at that scene where the riders of Rohan appear. The trio, using their elven magic are completely ignored until Aragorn has to announce himself.

"Riders of Rohan! It is I, Aragorn! Future king of Gondor and husband of Arwen, the living elf doll! What news from the Ridermark bring you?" Aragorn said, jumping out in front of Eomer's horse. It reared up and nearly threatened to throw him off.

Eomer dismounted off his horse, "What the heck is a dwarf, a human and an elf doing out here?" He asked, the Rohans all pointed their weapons at the trio.

"We lost two hobbits." Legolas said, glaring at Eomer. "Have you seen them?"

"We saw no hobbits, only orcs." Eomer said, glaring back.

"They would only be mere children in your eyes," Aragorn explained, "Are you sure you haven't seen them?"

Eomer shook his head, "We have, however seen a white wizard around Fangorn, we don't dare go in there…" Eomer looked out into the distance, "Not since my uncle became very sick and a little whelp of a man now acts as regent, you see, the whelp, he has banished me and my riders from Rohan. And we have not found my cousin since this battle we had that wasn't put in the movies."

"Oh, ok that's cool, madness tends to run in Royal families anyway-" Aragorn began to say.

"Wait!" Eomer yelled. "Saruman's spies are everywhere. _Everywhere_. How can I be sure to trust you three?"

Gimli looked flabbergasted at Eomer, Legolas put his hands on his hips and adopted a "bitch what you say?" look on his face.

"Well, that was rude, give us information and then start accusing us?" Gimli muttered.

"Spies? Really? Us?" Legolas said, "Because, you know, humans are the most trustworthy races in Middle Earth now, aren't they? And you!" Legolas prodded Eomer in the chest, "You are a pathetic excuse for a Rohan. You make me sick."

Eomer stared at him, "What?"

"He's only joking." Aragorn said, pushing Legolas back. "Aren't you Legolas?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever."

Gimli stared up at the three of them, "Well, lots to do, must be off." Eomer nodded curtly before getting back on his horse and riding off somewhere far in the distance. The trio headed off towards Fangorn.

"He starts accusing us of being spies but is completely ok with Aragorn calling him nuts?" Gimli said lagging slightly behind Aragorn and Legolas.

"I don't like him." Legolas said.

* * *

><p>"Do not say a word, for he may put a spell on us." Aragorn said, drawing his blade and looking over his shoulder so much he looked like he had a twitch. Legolas resisted the urge to say, "No, really?"<p>

Suddenly a very bright white light shined through the darkness of the trees, Legolas tried to shoot it, but his arrow reflected back, Aragorn dropped his blade just because.

"You are searching for two hobbits." The voice said dramatically, accompanied by generic drama music.

"Who told you?" Aragorn yelled. The white light dimmed a bit and standing in front of them was…

"But, but you fell." Aragorn said, dropping to one knee.

Gandalf raised an eyebrow and tried not to snicker. "Technically I was pulled into a chasm, but details don't really matter when you get a costume change."

Aragorn looked up at him, "You said I was to lead the quest."

"Yes, but now that I am back I shall lead the quest again."

"But _I _am to lead the quest. _I _am to become king, _I _must claim my birthright." Aragorn argued.

"Um, we met a guy on the way here, he was really paranoid." Gimli interjected.

"The riders of Rohan are always paranoid," Gandalf said, "However, they are valuable allies and their king is sick from lies and grief."

"What was it like getting pulled into a chasm?" Legolas asked.

"It's rude to change subjects, but the balrog and I fought valiantly, we were both equally matched. I got the upper hand however and the balrog was vanquished. I was left weak though, very weak, I _then_ fell, through fire and ice. I must have blacked out because when I awoke I was clothed in white. I remembered my journey and have no found you three, but there is no time to waste! We ride for Rohan!"

Legolas groaned.

* * *

><p>Gandalf and the trio walk through the doors of Meduseld. Eomer, who arrived just minutes before, rolls his eyes and glares at Legolas, "Great, we tell them <em>not<em> to do something and of course they just go and do it anyway."

Grima looks up from whispering something into Théoden's ear and gawks at them. "I told you to take the wizard's staff." Grima hissed, the guards jump into action but are, of course no match for a wizard, an elf, a dwarf and a man.

Gandalf steps toward Théoden, "For far too long have you been under this whelp's influence." Grima frowned, "For far too long have you let spies rule your lands, Théoden King! Cast off your weariness and come out into the light! Reclaim Rohan for the forces of good! I release you from your captor!" Gandalf yelled and his staff emitted a flash of light.

* * *

><p>-And now for a commercial break!-<p>

Everyone in the hall is blinking and rubbing their eyes, Gandalf and Grima glare at one another whilst Eowyn looks from Gandalf, to Théoden, to Aragorn. Théoden got up from his throne wearily. He took several steps forward, the mangy fur thing falling of him and the cataracts disappearing.

"You!" He turned around and pointed at Grima, "How dare you treat me like an animal! Feeding me lies! Banishing my nephew!"

"Probably killing off Théodred too while we're at it," Eomer mumbled.

"Possibly killing my son! You, Grima Wormtounge, are banished from Rohan forever!" Théoden grabbed hold of Grima by the collar and threw him down the stairs.

"Wait!" Aragorn leapt in-between them, "Do not waste your energy on such a sniveling pathetic thing, come; let us go back inside." And with that Aragorn lead Théoden back inside, brushing past Eowyn who stares at him with puppy dog eyes, he doesn't notice.

Eomer stalked back into the hall a few hours later, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and Gandalf were still there, Théoden conversing with Gandalf quietly and Eowyn feeding two children some stew. The poor things _must_ have been hungry to accept Eowyn's cooking.

"You should not have brought them here," Eomer told Eowyn.

"What? Because they might be spies too? They're mere children, their village was burnt down by orcs. Do you honestly want me to turn them away?" Eowyn said and sat down next to the children.

"Where's mother?" The little girl asked, Eowyn half hugged her.

"You know what's wrong about you Eomer?" Legolas said leaning against a pillar, "You don't trust anyone. Did something absolutely terrible happen to you as a child? Did you not get that sword you always wanted at Yuletide?"

"What are you suggesting?" Eomer asked, getting up in Legolas' face.

"I'm saying: why are you so bitter? And so paranoid about everything?"

"There's a war going on!"

"That's no excuse." Legolas sniffed, "Mirkwood has been at war for decades but you don't see us going around grumbling and threatening to throw children out."

Eomer drew his sword and pointed it at Legolas' neck, Legolas remained unfazed. "You're just like every other elf, selfish, vain and prissy. Stop playing the poor pity me card, just because you're an elf doesn't mean you're better than me."

"Then stop playing the victim card!" Legolas yelled.

Eomer, for some reason, forgetting his sword punched Legolas in the face. Legolas stared at him for a second before elbowing Eomer hard in the stomach, head-butting him and pulling him into a head lock.

"Aragorn, stop them!" Eowyn cried. Aragorn processed that for a second before pulling Eomer and Legolas apart. Eomer flipped his hair out of his face before storming out of the room.

* * *

><p>-Commercial break!-<p>

The scene is changed, it is now night time and Aragorn is asleep in his own room. Very slowly, the door opens and we see Eowyn standing there with a candle in her hand. She moves across the room quietly and sets the candle down on the nightstand before sitting on the foot of Aragorn's bed. She watches him for a few seconds before Aragorn stirs and rubs his eyes. He notices Eowyn and grabs his sword.

"Relax, Aragorn, it's just me, Eowyn."

"Oh, Eowyn, shouldn't you be asleep?" Aragorn asked.

"No, I can't sleep."

Aragorn put his sword down, "So, what do you want?"

"I wanted to thank you for helping my uncle. Also I want to go with you when you leave for Gondor." Eowyn said quickly.

"You're a woman, and you have to stay to look after Rohan."

"That's not fair, I can fight! I'm a shield maiden, please take me with you!" Eowyn said, grabbing one of Aragorn's hands and clasping it in-between her own.

Aragorn shifted uncomfortably, "Eowyn go back to bed."

"But, but, Aragorn, I have this feeling in my chest. I think I love you!" Eowyn whispered, "No, I don't think I love you, I do love you!"

Aragorn sat there flabbergasted for a few seconds, "My lady, you are pretty and everything, but I already have someone back home."

Eowyn started crying, "I'd be twice the wife she would ever be! Please, don't make me leave! You are everything to me! I've loved you since the moment I saw you!"

Aragorn kissed Eowyn on the forehead, "I have a feeling I was supposed to love you too, but I also feel that I am supposed to love a living statue that hardly does anything and that I have nothing in common with. It's like the author suddenly scrapped that idea, opened up the book and pointed to a name, pushed me together with that person and will do the same with you, only you will be matched with one of the few single and living characters left."

With that Eowyn sobs and leaves the room.

* * *

><p>-End of extremely long flashback-<p>

Arwen stares at Aragorn with her hands on her hips.

"I tell you, I am sorry Arwen. You know that I only love you, my adorable living statue." Aragorn apologized.

Arwen's expression softened. "Oh, Aragorn, I love you too! And not just because I'm going against my father's wishes of marrying another elf. You are my one and only love, without you I would never have gotten out of the appendixes!" Arwen leans in to kiss Aragorn.

"Oh, sorry, I have to go save Middle Earth from orcs. Just, please, don't beat up Eowyn anymore, she's not altogether at the best of times." Aragorn then jumps on a horse and rides off into battle.

* * *

><p>"I think something's been following us." Frodo said. "Something…something <em>Andy Serkis.<em>"

"Don't be ridiculous Mr. Frodo, we're nearly there." Sam said, still rather upbeat about everything.

"Sam, we've walked past this place like 4 times, we're lost." Frodo flopped down on the ground. "Face it, this quest is hopeless. If only we had a guide to show us the way!" Frodo sighed dramatically. "If only there _was_ a guide around."

At the moment, Gollum jumped out from behind some rocks. "Wes know the way!"

"You do?" Frodo asked. Sam jumped back and had a rock in his hand, ready to throw it at Gollum.

"Yes, wes been there many times befores, haven't wes precious? Yesss, wes can show you." Gollum said then ran ahead of them, "Come ons then slowpokes."

"Well, that was convenient." Frodo said, getting to his feet.

"A bit too convenient." Sam mumbled.

* * *

><p>Thanks very much to TheLunyOne for the cat fight idea! (The Arwen and Eowyn one)<p>

Yay for bitchy Legolas please? And paranoid Eomer too?

I promise a longer chapter next time because next episode is the evil twin episode! But who should get the evil twin? You readers decided!

And again, my apologies if this is not dramatic enough, I'm new to the soap opera world, the only one I've ever been able to stomach to watch was My Sweetheart, My Darling. And I haven't watched it in years. Any suggestions are extremely welcomed.


	3. The sass off part 1

Alright guys, after a very long hiatus, I am back! Boom!

Anyone else see the hobbit? All the scenes with Elrond, perfect soap opera material!

* * *

><p>Eowyn stood on the balcony overlooking Gondor. Faramir suddenly popped up behind her.<p>

"So, er, what's the weather like today?" Eowyn asked nervously.

Faramir looked at her then stared off into the distance pensively. "Kind of cold and windy, but it should be ok."

"I love you," Eowyn screamed at him.

Scene change!

We see Aragorn sitting around the Prancing Pony, smoking some pipe weed. Suddenly a carrier pigeon with a message on its leg landed on the open window ledge and chirped at him. Aragorn took the message from the carrier pigeon. He read it quickly and then looked into the camera angrily. We see him jump up from his chair and run out of the door, leaving the bar man looking very confused, holding a tankard of ale.

The scene changes again to Eowyn and Faramir holding each other's hands and staring into one another's eyes.

"I love you too Eowyn, even though we barely know each other, and your sort of cold in the beginning and your all like, "I can do this myself!". I love you." Faramir said.

Eowyn batted her eyelashes, "We both have parental issues!"

"I want to grow old with you," Faramir whispered creepily, "And watch you grow old and feed you lots of cake and watch you get fat, then I'll get fat and we will have more children than Sam Gamgee and Rosie!"

* * *

><p>(cut scene to Rosie and Sam)<p>

A pregnant Rosie strokes her stomach and smiles happily at Sam. They're both outside in their garden.

"How many children do you want Sam?" Rosie asked.

"A million!" Sam replies with a completely straight face.

* * *

><p>(the scene changes again)<p>

Then the doors open and Aragorn comes charging in. Eowyn jumps away from Faramir and starts fixing her hair and tugging at her dress. Faramir gives Aragorn a dirty look.

"What are you doing here?" Faramir spat at Aragorn.

"I am here for the lady." Aragorn said and dropped to his knees, holding his hand out to Eowyn.

Eowyn's jaw dropped. She looked uncertainly at the two of them. "What are you doing?" Faramir nearly yelled at Aragorn. "She doesn't love you!"

"She does!"

"Then why did she leave you at the altar!"

"I never left Aragorn at the altar." Eowyn said.

Then, suddenly, Eomer burst through the doors. "How dare you two try to take my sister away from me!" Eomer pulled Eowyn into a very tight hug.

"I can't breathe Eomer!" Eowyn said, albeit muffled.

* * *

><p>(Scene change for your special delight)<p>

(WARNING CONTAINS SPOILERS)

Thorin Oakenshield appears on the screen, looking very majestic and vaulting off his pony in Rivendell (which is sort of where most of the story should take place as both companies/fellowships go to Rivendell) and stares off into the distance. We then see Elrond staring down at Thorin from some high tower and Thranduil saunters up next to him and glares at Thorin, in a very dramatic and ominous way.

Elronds' manservant/PA, Lindir appeared with drinks for the two of them. The elves took them and sat down at a table.

"I do not like him." Elrond said.

Thranduil raised an eyebrow, "Neither do I. Never have. Especially after the whole Erebor thing. Like it was my fault for not helping! I mean there were like, thousands of orcs and goblins and stuff and a massive dragon. My hair would have been ruined and Wilhem would have not liked charging down in all that muck!"

Wilhem, Thranduils mount nudged Thranduil's arm. Thranduil stroked him.

"No, no more dwarves Elrond. They're not good company."

Elrond rolled his eyes. Lindir, holding his carrier pigeon on his shoulder was scribbling something down on a scroll. He pulled a coffee from out of nowhere and handed it to Elrond.

"Sir, your 3 o'clock is here." Lindir said shakily.

"Push it back to 6 and schedule a late dinner," Elrond said in between sips of coffee, "Did you get Arwen's present for me?" Elrond asked Lindir. "It's her birthday next week." Elrond explained to Thranduil, who nodded understandingly.

"Yes, I've booked the tigers and I've got 500 cupcakes all decorated with diamonds and the sparkling champagne from Lothlorien." Lindir said, ticking off things on his scroll as he talked.

"Good," Elrond said and then sighed, "Planning your little girls birthday can be so stressful, Lindir, schedule me a massage for tomorrow morning."

"Yes sir, of course, so stressful for you to plan a party." Lindir mumbled the last bit.

"Oh, I remember Legolas' birthday," Thranduil said, reminiscing, "We got him an Oliphant, oh he was so happy, and we got his favourite band to play, and the cake was absolutely amazing."

"Yes, I'm sure, but Arwen's will be a glorious occasion, you will be coming won't you?" Elrond asked.

"Oh, of course, we wouldn't miss it for the world." Thranduil replied with a hint of bitchiness in his voice.

"Akward." Lindir said to himself quietly.

* * *

><p>(Commercial break)<p>

We now rejoin Aragorn, Eomer, Eowyn and Faramir, the men standing in a Mexican shoot out style, swords pointed at one another.

"How dare you presume to touch my sister!" Eomer said to the other two men.

"How dare you want an incredibly hot elf and Eowyn too!" Faramir yelled at Aragorn, "You are so greedy!"

"I am not! How was I to know that Tolkien would change it that I would fall in love with Arwen instead?!"

"Stop!" Eowyn stepped in between them. "There is a simple solution to this! Aragorn, I will always love you, yet you must marry Arwen, because she's so stupid-"

"But, Eowyn!" Aragorn protested, "I love you! Arwen is so boring, she's devoid of personality!"

"I know she is, but if you love something, let it go, and I do love Faramir, he's always right when he tells me the weather…he's like, the weatherman or something."

"I have an app on my carrier pigeon." Faramir said cheerfully.

"And Eomer, stop, this protection thing, kinda leading towards incestuous undertones, I have to marry Faramir, he's so smart and he looks just like Boromir and if I marry him because I can't have you because you want a elf princess Barbie doll, then I can be married to the steward and I can always be close to you." Eowyn said, leaning in very uncomfortably to Aragorn.

Eomer sighed disgustingly, "Fine."

* * *

><p>(Scene change)<p>

Sam and Frodo are sitting in Bag End, drinking a cup of tea.

"So, what have you been up to?" Frodo asked.

"Babies. Lots and lots of babies," Sam said, whilst Pippin and Merry made faces at them through the window.

Frodo sniggered, "they really don't have the same burdens we do, you know, you with all your babies, and me with only 9 fingers."

Sam nodded. Suddenly Susan fell through the front door of Bag End wearing a "future mrs. Legolas" teeshirt, "Have you seen Legolas anywhere?"

Sam and Frodo shook their heads, their eyes wide.

"Damn," Susan said. Little did she know that Legolas was hiding on the ceiling away from Susan.

* * *

><p>Sorry it's short guys, takes a while to get back into the swing of things!<p>

But, Lindir, really, he is such a PA for Elrond, like, his bitch or something. I love him to bits!

Also, it's sort of an elk, not a moose but whatever.


	4. The sass off part 2

So, ElFDownUnder sort of requested this for a Boxing Day present, and as I love you all, I have decided to make her and everyone else's Boxing Day wish come true.

* * *

><p>We hear ambulance sirens crash into the room where Aragorn, Eowyn, Eomer and Faramir were standing. Several of the ambulances crashed in through the wall and sent chunks flying, one part cracking Eowyn on the head. She fell down unconscious. The men from the ambulance jumped out.<p>

"Who's injured?!" One of the paramedic's yelled.

"Er, no one." Faramir said.

"No you're not! You're very sick, look" the paramedic coughed on him, "and look," he proceeded to punch Faramir lightly in the stomach, "internal bleeding!"

"Internal bleeding!" The other paramedics echoed.

Faramir looked at the other men. The all shrugged and began to have a fisticuff session with the paramedics and each other.

In the end, the paramedics took the three men out in the ambulances. Eomer was screaming bloody murder about Faramir and Aragorn marrying his sister, i.e. never. Eowyn regained consciousness right when the ambulances pulled away and ran out after them, the wind blowing her hair across her face, making everything look very dramatic. Then there was an unnecessary zoom in!

* * *

><p>We now cut to Thorin, standing in Rivendell looking at a hand drawn picture of Azog. He sighed sadly. The scene then cuts back.<p>

Azog and Thorin are in court. The barristers are wearing those awesome powdered wigs British judges and lawyers do. Azog comes up to the stand.

"Describe the attack," one of the lawyers said to him.

"He…"

"Take your time."

"He, he came up to me. And he swung his sword and my hand came straight off." Azog said tearfully.

"Did you do anything to provoke him?"

"I, I kind of killed his grandfather." Azog replied quietly.

Later, we see Azog leave the court and step outside to smoke a cigarette. Thorin emerges from the shadows.

"Don't think for a second you've got the people in there fooled. They can see right through you." Thorin growled, yes growled.

Azog flicked some ash off of his cigarette, "I don't know, they seemed to lap it right up. At this rate, you're going to have to pay a very large fine, and maybe you'll go to jail."

Thorin knocked the cigarette out of the orcs hand, and grabbed him by the shirt (Azog's wearing a shirt by the way.)

"I will not go to jail," Thorin spat.

Azog sniggered, "Admit it Thorin, you can't resist me." Azog pulled free of Thorins grasp and walked back into the court office. Thorin was left standing there, looking ruffled and admittedly, rather sexy.

* * *

><p>We re-join Eowyn at the hospital. She is beside Aragorn's beside, yet looks very worried. Aragorn is slightly unconscious.<p>

"Aragorn!" Eowyn says very loudly, "I love you so much! But this whole thing with you and Arwen, I just, I can't!"

She throws herself onto his chest and sobs for a few painstakingly long minutes before Aragorn comes to.

"Eowyn," Aragorn manages to say, "What are you doing?"

"What are you doing?" Eowyn yells, "All this time you've been playing me and Arwen. Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to marry a sexy man old enough to be my grandfather yet hot enough to be my husband, and then you come along and promise me a world free of sexism, where I can finally break free of my social limitations, and then you run off with her!"

Aragorn sighed, "I'm sorry Eowyn, but, Arwen is pregnant."

Eowyn's jaw dropped open, "WHAT?!"

"I'm sorry, it's just, with a woman like that with no personality-"

"No," Eowyn cut him off, "I'm done with this, I can't believe this, it's just so," Eowyn at a loss for words, leaves the room in a huff and walks into the room next door, which just so happens to be Faramir's.

* * *

><p>Back at Rivendell<p>

Thranduil and Elrond are "planning", and by that they're actually drinking coffee (skinny latte) and ordering the other elves to do everything for them.

Thranduil checks his reflection in a compact mirror, "Ugh, my eyebrows were such a mess, thank you Elrond for sorting them," he said and then smoothed his eyebrows.

"You're welcome," Elrond said and drank some of his coffee, "When you're as old as me, you learn a few beauty tricks along the way. I wanted that life sized statue made out of diamonds of Arwen on the other side of the room!" Elrond shouted at some poor, frightened elves.

"When it was Legolas' birthday, we took him to the grey havens and made him sculptures out of gold, diamonds, silver and emerald."

"Yes, well, Arwen is getting a 2 week holiday to Tahiti and then the Caribbean." Elrond countered, flicking his hair.

"We also got Legolas a set of Tiffany earrings and a matching tiara." Thranduil added.

"Arwen's getting Cartier," Elrond sniffed and sauntered off.

* * *

><p>Commercial break!<p>

Eowyn is now sobbing on Faramir's bed. He is awake though not moving a muscle, lest Eowyn start going into a dramatic monologue. However, a nurse walks in and tries to usher her out.

"But I love him!" Eowyn cries and clutches on to him. The nurse rolls her eyes and literally chucks her out of the room. Merry, Pippin, Sam and Frodo are all outside, holding flowers.

"Are they for me, because you know I'm so upset?" Eowyn asks, smiling.

"No, they're for Aragorn you crazy woman," Pippin said. Eowyn's smile disappeared.

"Mine were for you!" Merry rushed forwards and handed her the flowers. She accepted them happily.

We then see Arwen walk past the four of them with a large bouquet of flowers and a massive "get well card". She half stops for one second, glancing at Eowyn before rushing off into the hospital.

The scene cuts to Arwen walking horridly down the hospital hall. We assume she's going to Aragorn's bedside, but she walks right past, though Aragorn doesn't notice as he has gone to the toilet. She turns and walks into Eomer's hospital room. DUN DUN DUN!

* * *

><p>-Commercial break!-<p>

We now join Gandalf who has decided to go out clubbing with Fili and Kili and Bombur and Bofur. Gandalf however has taken it upon himself to dress in drag as it is "ladies night." The dwarves only turned up because they want someone to like, braid their beards and make them chips and stuff.

"Party time!" Gandalf said, readjusting his bra and pulling his shirt down.

"Gandalf, no one will think you're a woman," Fili said point blank.

"Nonsense!" Gandalf replied and walked straight up to the bouncer, flashing him a smile.

"Right this way my lady," the bouncer said and opened the door for Gandalf.

"Aw thank ya honey!" Gandalf said and sashayed in.

The dwarves joined him. Inside da club there were elf woman everywhere. Gandalf waved to them cheerily, whilst Bombur, Bofur and Fili's faces fell. Kili however looked absolutely delighted and walked up to several of them, using his sexy dwarf charm. The elves loved it.

* * *

><p>Another commercial!<p>

Eowyn is sitting in a scummy looking café with the hobbits, she is crying, yet again.

"I can't believe that cow!" She yells very loudly. Some of the other customers give her a dirty look.

"I know, it's hard," Merry grabbed her hand and smiled at her, "but it'll be ok, things will get better, who knows, Aragorn might not even marry Arwen."

"Yeah, Elrond might make her go to the Grey Havens permanently." Pippin added.

"I like her!" Frodo said. They gave him a look and Eowyn burst into fresh tears.

At that moment, Faramir limped in on crutches. Eowyn turned around and smiled at him, albeit sobbing. Faramir limped over and hugged her.

"Eowyn, I have missed you so!" Faramir said, letting go and sitting down next to her, "Every moment in that hospital room, I pinned for you!"

Sam raised an eyebrow, "You've recovered quickly."

"Oh yes, I couldn't wait to get out," Faramir said.

Eowyn beamed at him, "Now you can come home, and watch romantic comedies and eat loads of chocolate and I can cook for you all the time and we can adopt lots of cats!"

"Great," Faramir said sarcastically, yet Eowyn didn't get it.

However, outside the window, Arwen and Aragorn walk past hand in hand, Aragorn looking completely smitten by Arwen as she flips her hair and pretends to laugh at something hilarious. Eowyn gives her a menacing look.

Faramir looked at the hobbits, "she is kind of hot though", he said and Eowyn preceded to smack him over the head with the laminated café menu.

* * *

><p>So yes, this is a short chapter; however, it is a part 2 so yes. And sort of more comedy than drama but:<p>

Arwen! What's she up to? Why did she go into Eomer's hospital room?

What will Gandalf and Kili do in a room full of elf women?! Kili and Fili had to be put in there somewhere and there will be more of them! And of course Bombur, because his facial hair is too awesome not to!

Elrond and Thranduil totes have sleepovers and talk about how annoying non-elf people are and do each other's amazing eyebrows and try to outdo each other by spoiling their children. They must have some sort of bromance!

And lastly, Azog and Thorin, what's gonna happen with them?


	5. The elk

Hi guys, thanks for being so patient with me!

* * *

><p>After the last episode, we join Bombur and Sam sitting in Sam's hobbit hole, surrounded by about 100 dwarfhobbit children*. Most of them were screaming and breaking things.

Sam and Bombur however were completely unaware of the situation, sitting at the kitchen table, smoking their pipes.

"Children," Sam said, sighing.

"Yes," Bombur agreed, "I remember when we had my first born, er, he should be here somewhere. I think…I think we got them all here.

"Shall we do a headcount?" Sam asked.

"God no, we'd be here all day."

"Dadddddy," one of the children yelled.

"Which one was that, yours or mine?" Sam asked.

Bombur shrugged, "Doesn't matter, they're all ginger. God I wish the women had stayed here, not gone shopping."

Sam handed Bombur a plate of pastries, "Second breakfast?" he asked.

* * *

><p>We now join Eomer writing a letter at his desk. Upon zoom in it reads:<p>

_My dearest,_

_Our love may not be right, certainly it would cause a stir, but I love you with all my heart and soul. The way your pale skin glitters in the moonlight, the way your father manages to raise his eyebrow and give perfect "wtf" faces, and the way you are so doll-like. You have truly captured my heart!_

_Meet me soon, my love_

However we do not see who the person Eomer was writing to as the camera shifts to the pigeon waiting patiently for Eomers' letter. Eomer tied the letter carefully to the pigeons leg and chucked it out of the window.

Then the camera changes and we see Eowyn peeking through the crack in the doorway. Dun dun dun!

* * *

><p>-Commercial break!-<p>

Thranduil is seen riding his magnificent (not majestic) elk, through the forests of Mirkwood. Angelic music is playing, Legolas is riding behind Thranduil's train on a horse, as he refuses to ride an elk.

"My son," Thranduil says in the most amazing way ever than can only be achieved by hot elves with amazing eyebrows, "Tis the birthday for Arwen."

"Yes, I know father," Legolas replied, slightly annoyed.

Thranduil looked over his shoulder at Legolas, "I want you to be a massive diva and brag constantly about how I'm such a good parent and I want you to criticize everything."

"But daaaaaad, Arwen is my friend!" Legolas protested.

Thranduil helped up his hand, asking for silence and flicked his hair over his shoulder, "I will hear no more of this."

Legolas grumbled to himself but said no more. But then, suddenly, Susan bursts out from the shrubbery and screams "Legolas! I knew I would find you!"

Thranduil's elk raised up in surprise and flung Thranduil off and ran off camera, thoroughly embarrassing Thranduil who had landed on top of Susan.

"I am so very sorry," Thranduil began, looking very much less magnificent and dignified.

"Oh my god get off old man!" Susan said, pushing Thranduil away and running towards Legolas, "It's him I want!"

Thranduil just stares at them from the ground before getting up and dusting himself off, "I do believe you are lying, no living man or woman can resist my sexy eyebrow charms and my magnificent, not majestic elk!"

* * *

><p>We now have a random flashback to Frodo, Sam and Gollum in the dead marshes, because Sam is dreaming<p>

"So, like, no one has ever bothered to clean this stuff up right?" Frodo asked.

"No, not since these peoples died," Gollum said.

"I bet you killed them," Sam added.

"Sam!" Frodo said, looking astonished, "How dare you insult Smeagol in such a way! He's such a sweet little…er…thing."

Gollum looked up and smiled at Frodo. Sam shook his head in disbelief.

"He tries to kill you!" Sam tried to tell Frodo.

"I'll have none of this Sam, you either help Smeagol and I pick out wedding colour or you can go back to the shire!" Frodo retorted and was indeed, picking out wedding colours with Gollum.

* * *

><p>The scene changes again to Erestor and Feanor are seen skulking around Rivendell.<p>

"How dare he turn up here after all this time!" Erestor said angrily.

"I know, I know."

"Who invited him?"

"Er, Lindir, I think," Feanor said.

Lindir, who just so happened to be walking past, smiled cheerfully and waved at them. Erestor gave him a catty sneer back before returning to their conversation.

"You don't think that Glorfindel still has a thing for him, do you?"

At that moment, Glorfindel burst into the room, with streamers and lots of party hats.

"Hi guys," He said, smiling warmly at Feanor and gave Erestor smolder-y eyes. "Is Edmund here yet?"

"No," Erestor sniffed and flicked his hair over his shoulder.

"Oh," Glorfindel said and walked off to talk to Lindir.

Erestor turned round to Feanor, "Did you see that?" Erestor asked hotly, "he didn't even care! Didn't even make eye contact and all he cares about is that little son of an eve! What has he got that I don't?!"

"Er, a kingdom, loads of money-"

"But I have a bigger fan base!" Erestor retorted.

"That can be argued, you know Prince Caspian garnered a lot of new fo-"

"For the love of, just shut up!"

* * *

><p>-commercial break!-<p>

Eowyn and Merry are dressed all in black, including black James bond music is played whilst Eowyn does a tuck and role behind a dwarf's jewellery cart. The dwarf just stares at her incredulously. The camera zooms out slightly and we see Arwen walking past, completely oblivious, writing a message with her carrier pigeon on her shoulder. Eowyn motions to Merry and they tiptoe after her into a shop full of lingerie.

Merry turned to Eowyn, "this is what she normally does."

"No I'm telling you she's up to something!"

"Yeah, she's gonna go see Aragorn later, what of it?"

Eowyn rolls her eyes before pulling her and Merry behind a display case, hiding from Arwen. Arwen left the shop looking happy about her purchases, Eowyn sneaked after her whilst Merry sighed loudly and walked after the two of them.

"No fishy business here, can we go get food now?" Merry said.

"No, she's buying jewellery! That's so fishy!"

"Because it's her birthday?!" Merry answered snappily. "Wouldn't you buy yourself a gift to yourself for your birthday?!"

Eowyn was about to answer when her carrier pigeon landed on her shoulder with a message. She unwrapped it carefully from the pigeons leg and read it quietly to Merry.

"Sorry, can't make it tonight, going out with the guys for a ride. See you soon, Eomer." Eowyn looked at Merry, "He has never said no to me before."

"Maybe he just wants to-" Merry began to say.

"No! He's up to something too Merry!" Eowyn looked at him, then at Arwen. "I know what we're going to do tonight!" Eowyn said excitedly, Merry groaned.

* * *

><p>We now re-join Gandalf and the Dwarves in prison. Gandalf is smoking his pipe, still in full drag with purple mini skirt, black stilettos, and fishnets with his makeup smeared. Fili was comatose, Bofur was staring out of the one window in the cell and Kili was smiling to himself every couple of minutes.<p>

Bombur, who had left after seeing that it was an elf club, came walking past the cell with Sam and 100 small, hairy ginger children all on leashes.

"Good god!" Bofur yelled and backed away from the bars on the cells as the children were trying to climb them, sticking their tongues out at them and being general rowdy children. Bofur fell back onto Fili who roused slightly.

"What are you doing here?" Fili asked, slurring slightly.

"We've come to get you out," Bombur said.

"We've paid Gandalf's warrant," Sam added. Gandalf shrugged and flicked his hair, pretending not to notice.

"Don't be a diva now Gandalf," Bofur said, "They've come to spring us, haven't you?"

"Yeah, we brought Bilbo to spring you guys too," Sam said sheepishly.

Kili raised an eyebrow, "so you didn't pay the warrant for Gandalf?"

"Well, er, no because the police guys said that Gandalf had tried to blind them with light and then spat in their faces and kept yelling that his name wasn't Gandalf it was Diamond Destiny the fourth. So yeah, they don't want Gandalf let out until he apologizes." Sam explained.

"Never!" Gandalf said, everyone stared at him incredulously.

(Martin Freeman) Bilbo popped up however with the keys in his waistcoat pocket. "Hi guys," he said.

"Bilbo, unlock the door," Fili said, seriously.

The shot then changes to the dwarves, hobbits and sassy wizard walking out of the police station. Gandalf is sauntering around in his heels, whilst everyone else looks tired and extremely annoyed with him. Kili is busy writing a message to his carrier pigeon, no doubt to an elf woman, and walked straight in to the back of Gandalf.

* * *

><p>-Back at Elrond's-<p>

The party is underway, Arwen is off dancing with her elfy best friends, Glorfindel and Edmund are dancing whilst Erestor is giving everyone daggers. Elrond is smoozing with the people there and Merry and Eowyn are lurking in the shadows.

"I told you, you have no proof!" Merry hissed to Eowyn.

"I'm right and I can feel it!" Eowyn said.

Just then before Merry could reply, the camera panned to see Eomer standing by the punch bowl, looking rather uncomfortable. Arwen walked past him and gave him a dazzling smile. Merry had to restrain Eowyn from running up to Arwen and punching her in the face. Before she could however, the doors burst open and there was a dazzling light, and dance music was playing and there was confetti cannons. The light dimmed down and turned into a disco ball. Thranduil is given a completely necessary zoom in, he is riding his fabulous elk, whilst he and the elk are wearing those weird glasses that Kanye West wears.

"What's up bitches?!" Thranduil says and leaps off his elk and starts dancing. The music cuts out however and everyone is staring. Elrond has his face in his hands. Legolas peers round from behind the party elk,

"I am so sorry guys," he said, "I told him I had archery practice but he wouldn't listen!"

* * *

><p>Just to let you guys know, in the movie production book thingy on the hobbit Bombur "does very well for a large man, he has 12 children" and obviously he loves food. So who else has lots and lots of children and loves food: Sam. Imagine them taking the children out for a walk or whatever and some woman comes up to them,<p>

"Aw, which one is yours?"

"All of them!"

"Holy crap!"

Yeah, also I haven't given up on the whole Narnia/Middle earth thing, as you may well know that Tolkien and C.S. Lewis were bros.

And if anyone else reading this is on tumblr and is skulking around the hobbit fandom, you'll get the majestic references.

And also this chapter isn't very long because of tumblr and exams (3 of them) very soon, all on the same subject: GEOGRAPHY.

Also props to Gingerhaze who has sort of helped create the image of Thranduil as a "dwarf racist party dad" , she has inadvertently helped me to write the last bit of this chapter. And go on her tumblr she has some of the most amazing fanart you will ever see.

I love Bofur, I just love him so much, like as much as I love Gandalf being a sassy drag queen.


	6. She's got tiffany!

Hi guys sorry it's been a while: 3 exams, 3 essays to write and a lot of other school work have really put me off writing.

* * *

><p>"How dare you!" Elrond yelled at Thranduil.<p>

Thranduil whipped off his glasses and stared at Elrond, "Why I do dare."

"Guys I'm so sorry!" Legolas yelled in the background before being tackled by Susan.

Arwen strode towards them, hands on her hips. The camera switched to Eowyn's view, she moved towards the shadows, trying not to let Arwen see her.

"Legolas," Arwen said,glancing slightly over at where Eowyn had been standing, "You are my close friend, but I have to ask you to please make your father leave. This is my party, and I'll eat my cake if I want it."

Legolas pulled Susan off of him, "Arwen, wow, you're not being all dramatic like you normally are."

Arwen looked momentarily panicked, but recovered quickly, "that is because I am mad at you Legolas! My love, Aragorn is not here and your father has decided to ruin this party, how can I be my normal dramatic self, why, why I feel I need something beautiful and expensive to help myself recover!" Arwen said, fanning herself.

"Well, it's a good thing we bought you this brand new horse!" Elrond said, gesturing to his elf man servants to open the door, and sure enough there was a beautiful white unicorn, Arwen squealed happily.

"With matching Tiffany bridle and saddle!" Elrond added.

"Let's not forget its hooves are solid gold," Elladan added. In the background Thranduil sighed loudly and rolled his eyes.

"And its tears have magic healing properties," Elrohir added. "Magic healing properties, ooh, so special, much more special than a moose!"

"Why is the moose in the punch bowl?!" Lindir (figwit) yelled.

"Shut up!" Glorfindel and Erestor yelled in unison.

"And that's not all!" Elladan said, "we have a gift for you too sweet sister," He nodded to the elf man servants and they brought out a sparkly lion, its mane was made of diamonds and it had a platinum collar. Arwen nearly screamed.

"Oh daddy, brothers, thank you!" Arwen said happily and stuck her tongue out at Legolas.

Thranduil and Elrond stared deeply into each others eyes. It was totally dramatic and made all the fangirls in the room start hyperventilating. Thranduil flicked his hair, Elrond raised an eyebrow and sighed.

"There is only one way we can settle this," Elrond said, "for ruining my daughters' birthday and for outshining her."

"Indeed, I think you are right," Thranduil agreed, "even though you have spoilt your child rotten"

Elladan and Elrohir stared at Thranduil.

Lindir gasped, "No sire, no one could withstand such se-"

"Quiet Lindir!" Feanor yelled, slapping him upside the head.

"I'm sexy and I know it!" Thranduil and his party elk began pelvic thrusting (yes the elk can do such because it's magnificent)

Elrond smirked to himself, "Lindir!" He called, "Sugar lumps, now!"* Lindir nodded and swapped the cassette tape over, the song began to play, Elrond began to pelvic thrust too. Thranduil glared at him and began to moonwalk.

* * *

><p>We now follow Arwen who is walking quickly down a corridor; the music can still be heard faintly. She darts into an anti-chamber, and then locks the door behind her.<p>

"This is getting dangerous," a voice says.

Cutting to Arwens' face we see her smirk, "Yes but you like danger," she says and turns around. A figure emerges from the shadows; it turns out to be none other than Eomer!

"My sister is getting suspicious of where I'm always going." Eomer said.

"Yes but she's silly, she won't know where you are!" Arwen said and flipped her hair, "Don't you find me attractive, am I not worth the risk?"

Eomer smiles to himself. "You're so beautiful Arwen, what did I ever do to deserve you?"

"Hm, I don't know," Arwen says and sits down in a chair. "Tell me that I'm pretty and out of your league again."

* * *

><p>We now rejoin the party. No one has missed Arwen as everyone is transfixed upon watching Thranduil and Elrond, still trying to see which one is the sexiest.<p>

Suddenly a white light appears in the room, leaving everyone momentarily blind. Elrond falls into Thranduils' arms. Thranduil promptly drops him.

"There can only be one who is the sexiest, sassiest person around here!" A voice calls out. The light fades and we see Galadriel, looking very regal and dignified.

Elrond raised an eyebrow, "You? You are the sassiest?"

Galadriel smirked at him, through her super awesome telepathy powers Galadriel said to him, "Shut up you wanna be! Loser!"

* * *

><p>We find Gimli and Legolas however, engaged in an archery shoot out, the targets covered in arrows.<p>

"43," Legolas says happily.

Gimli glares at him and pulls another arrow out of his quiver.

"You can beat him Gimli," Thorin growls. Gloin nods in agreement, leaning on his axe. Gimli sighs and shoots an arrow, missing the bullseye by an inch.

Leoglas tries not to laugh, all of his arrows have managed to hit the centre of the target. "You'll never be as good as an elf."

"That's because I wasn't here to prove your acqusations are wrong!" A voice calls, everyone turns. It is Kili, followed shortly by Fili and Gandalf, who is still wearing fishnet tights and heels.

Kili pushed Gimli off the box he was standing and grabs his bow. "I shall show you how well we dwarves shoot!" Kili said, annoyed.

"You go girl!" Gandalf said, and fell into Thorins' lap. Thorin pushed him off, looking slightly disgusted.

* * *

><p>Commercial break!<p>

We join the hobbits (excluding Merry), all of which are in Frodo's house. They all look rather disgruntled for some reason, and Martin Freeman Bilbo is there too, because reasons, making tea.

Bilbo put cups of tea in front of the other hobbits and sat down himself.

"I can't believe it," Pippin said.

"I know," Frodo answered in agreement.

"No…no more elvensies!" Pippin said, "How will we survive?"

Bilbo shook his head, "It's a terrible travesty, but I knew it would happen one day. I just thought it would happen after I was dead."

"I'll starve to death!" Pippin said and slammed his head against the kitchen table. Frodo patted him on the shoulder.

"It's because everyone thinks we have diabetes," Sam explained, "They think we're eating too much food when all these mortals out there are starving and stuff." He looked thoughtfully for a moment, "It'll be bad for Rosie and me though, what with all the little ones. How are we going to keep them under control?"

"Maybe you shouldn't have had so many kids," Frodo retorted.

"I swear I still have some of Bomburs' children."

Bilbo stood up, "darn it I am a Baggins of Bag end and I will not stand for this!"

"What should we do uncle?" Frodo asked.

"We should….PROTEST…peacefully of course," Bilbo said, and sat back in his chair, looking rather pleased with himself.

"Uncle, this is why I have more fans than you," Frodo said, "you're all about peace keeping, that's boring."

"I am Lady legs Watson, mind your place Frodo! I brought the dwarves back to their home!" Bilbo said, knocking the tea cups off the kitchen table.

"I saved the whole middle earth from evil!" Frodo countered.

"That was only because of Sam!"

Frodo and Bilbo glared at one another before lunging across the table and tackling one another.

* * *

><p>-Commercial break!-<p>

We now have a panoramic zoom of Erebor. It is eerily quiet. Yet we hear a low rumbling that turns into a massive roar! A shadow zooms past, the camera shakes. The camera refocuses, it's Smaug! Or is it? No, as a matter of fact, it isn't! It's something much more terrible than that, it is…Smauglock! And it has come for revenge, or deducing the crimes of middle earth, whichever works.**

* * *

><p>The shot switches, it is now Rivendell. The party has finished, various people are strewn about the room sleeping or trying not to puke. Thranduils' elk is off somewhere and can be heard making elk sounds. The camera sweeps the room and Gandalf is found dancing on a table, the 13 dwarves plus Gimli and Legolas are standing there watching him.<p>

"I really thought he would have passed out by now," Legolas said, not taking his eyes off of Gandalf.

"Yeah," Ori said in agreement.

Gandalf stopped for a second and smiled at them all, "I'm like snow white, and you're all my seven dwarves, except I have fourteen, not seven, so I guess that makes me doubly special!"

"Or double the whore," Dwalin mumbled to Thorin.

"Hey!" Gandalf said.

* * *

><p>*if you want to, Figwit is in a band called the Flight of the concords and they have this song called "Sugar Lumps" which is kind of self-explanatory but I like it.<p>

** I was on tumblr, I typed in the hobbit and the first thing I see is a little picture of Smauglock (Sherlock but with dragon ears and a tail) on my dashboard, so props to enobariar!

Yeah Gandalf and dwarves, or Gandalf and any small race on middle earth, what's up with that?


	7. You little sh--!

"Do not embarrass me," Thorin warned Kili and Fili, "Master Baggins is a very err…nice man. You will not, I repeat, will not, eat all his food again."

Kili and Fili nodded in agreement. Thorin knocked on the door and after a moment, it was opened by Bilbo (still as Martin Freeman).

"You must be Mr Boggins!" Kili said. Thorin sighed and rolled his eyes.

"We've meet him before brother," Fili said.

"Really? When?" Kili said.

"Like 60 years ago Kili, where have you been?" Fili replied, Kili shrugged and strode in, unabashed.

"I'm sorry." Thorin said to Bilbo, the hobbit smiled slightly in reply and closed the door after them.

Seated around Bilbo's' kitchen table with mugs of tea, the hobbit looked very pensive indeed.

"What brings you to the Shire?" Bilbo asked Thorin, who retorted with a slight bitch face at him, "Err, I mean it is lovely to see you again, but just, last time I ended up nearly dead and well, the dragon and everything-"

"Ah yes, about that dragon-"Fili interrupted but was cut short by a look from Thorin.

"Bilbo," Kili said.

"Bilbo," the hobbit corrected him.

"Yeah, whatever, have you got any cake?"

"In the pantry," Bilbo motioned behind him, "take what you'd like, it's only the three of you, thankfully."

Bilbo returned his attention to Thorin, "Have you heard the news?"

"What news?" Thorin asked nervously.

"About elevenses. They're going to be taken away. Apparently every hobbit in the shire is at risk of obesity and diabetes. I say it's ridiculous" Bilbo took a sip of tea, "How can they expect us to survive? Most of the hobbits would nearly starve to death!"

"Yes, it's all very sad, of course we are going to protest," Bilbo explained, "But my nephew is excitable and he wants to protest violently. I told him the only way to achieve anything is to do it peacefully, but does he listen? No!"

Thorin raised an eyebrow. From within the pantry, Kili let out a gasp.

"How dare they! Mr Bloggins, we would be honoured to help you fight against the ban of elevenses!" Kili said and bowed to Bilbo.

"We would?" Fili said.

* * *

><p>-Commercial break!-<p>

We now are at Gondor, where we see Aragorn running across the courtyard where the white tree is, followed shortly by courtiers, one of them is Faramir.

"My liege!" One of the courtiers called out.

"No!" Aragorn said, "I don't want to be king!" He looked up at the white tree and quickly climbed it, looking very proud of himself for doing so. "You'll never get me down from here!"

"Get a stick," Faramir said dryly to one of the courtiers. "Aragorn," he said, "You must come down from there."

"No!"

"I'm being serious. You have to be king, it's your birth-right whether you like it or not." Faramir said.

"Can't you do it for me?"

"No."

"Really? But you guys were doing such a good job before. Sort of. Like you are doing an awesome job but your dad is kind of, like bad at his job."

Faramir frowned. The courtier returned with a stick for poking Aragorn. Faramir took it and nearly hit Aragorn in the shin with it. Aragorn climbed higher up the tree.

"I will never be king!"

* * *

><p>The scene changes. It is now Mirkwood. Thranduil is sitting at a table, talking with someone. The camera sweeps and we see that it is Thorin!<p>

"I'm so glad we're finally on the same page!" Thranduil said happily.

"So am I, being angry all the time was so unproductive!"

There is a loud thud and the table moves slightly. Thorin looks down and climbs off his seat. He pulls Kili out from underneath the table. Kili struggles like a cat to get away from Thorin.

"Go play and be nice Kili or I will put you in the time out corner!" Thorin said. Kili looked at him and made a cat meow. Thorin stared back at him.

"You are not a cat, stop that!" Thorin said and dropped Kili roughly. Kili blew some hair out of his face and stalked off towards Fili, Legolas and Ori.

"Children." Thorin and Thranduil said in unison.

"Not even mine," Thorin said, "they're my sisters' children and Ori is just sort of related or something."

Thranduil shrugged, "You get used to their little eccentricities. However it took me quite a while to come to terms with Legolas and his Barbie phase."

Thorin snorted. Thranduil shot him a look.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to."

"Mmhmm," Thranduil responded and flicked his hair.

* * *

><p>Gandalf is followed by Merry, Pippin, Frodo and Sam; they are traipsing through what appears to be Mordor; however they have become very very lost.<p>

"How did we end up here?" Pippin said loudly.

"Apple maps," Frodo said miserably, "and Gandalf having a hangover."

Gandalf glanced over his shoulder at them, "I tell you, I know the way!"

"We should be back at the Shire, helping with the protests! Not back here in the land where everything is evil and dead and stuff!" Sam said.

"Well tough! We are!" Merry replied and sat down on the ground, "We've been walking for hours Gandalf, and can't you conjure us up some horses or something?"

Gandalf stopped walking and starred incredulously at him, "Do you think I would still be here if I could conjure up some transportation?"

"Hey look," Sam said, "A car!"

"How terribly convenient," Gandalf said, "But how did you know what cars are?"

Sam shrugged and ran towards the car, followed by the other hobbits and Gandalf. Sam tried to climb into the driver's seat but was promptly chucked out by Gandalf.

"I am the oldest Samwise, I shall drive."

"But you're not a good driver," Pippin said.

"Back seat! Now!" Gandalf said. Pippin, looking frightened climbed into the back seat and didn't say another word.

"Oh look, this thing has GPS!" Frodo said.

Gandalf turned on the car and promptly stomped on the gas pedal, not realizing the car was in reverse. The hobbits began to scream and the eye of Sauron looked panicked itself (if such a thing can do so). Gandalf stopped, switched to drive and reversed very recklessly towards the black gate.

Gandalf stopped, turned round in his seat and stared at him.

"What's wrong?" Gandalf asked.

"Have you adjusted your mirrors?" Sam said.

"Yes, and I can see myself perfectly," Gandalf replied, stopping to look in one of the mirrors and reapply his mascara.

"Gandalf, the mirrors are to help you see what's around you," Frodo said.

Gandalf put his mascara down and sighed "I know what's around me master Baggins, annoying hobbits and evil carnage. Ugh."

"You don't even have your seatbelt buckled," Frodo pointed out, pouting.

"Yeah, well, my outfit creases so easily, and I thought-"

"It's the law!" Sam shouted angrily. Gandalf jumped and clicked his seatbelt, "Do you even know how to work the gear?" Sam asked further.

"The PRNDL?"

"It is not PRNDL it L." Frodo retorted.

"I am not a child Frodo; I know how to spell PRNDL!"

Sam rolled his eyes, "Those letters stand for the gears: park, reverse, neutral, drive and and, um, I don't know what the L stands for. Do you Mr Frodo?" Frodo shook his head.

"I'm putting the radio on," Gandalf said and clicked the radio on. It started playing Brittney Spears' hit me baby one more time.

Sam and Frodo groaned. Gandalf started singing along and absentmindedly put the car into drive and began speeding out of Mordor, knocking over the mouth of Sauron from his horse into the dirt, stopping, reversing, running over the mouth of Sauron repeatedly and then driving off.

"You little shits!" The mouth of Sauron said angrily, "You kids get off my lawn!"

* * *

><p>"I will never be king!" Aragorn says, still up in the white tree of Gondor. It is now dark and everyone but Faramir has left, leaving Aragorn to sort out his own problems.<p>

"But Aragorn, you need to do this. I am only a steward and my father never took me to the war councils. I'm the second son; I don't know how to do any of this ruling stuff!"

"Neither do I! I'm supposed to be an outdoorsman!"

"You have to come down and start ruling! There are riots in the street! There are drunken horse races!"

"Never!"

"Fine, be that way, I'll rule and you can be some weird guy who sits in a tree all day and won't GROW UP" Faramir yelled, panting heavily.

"Yep." Aragorn said, "Sounds like a good plan to me!"

"Alright…"Faramir said, not thinking his idea would work, "then I'll…marry Eowyn."

"You can have her, she can't cook."

"Neither can Arwen."

"Yeah but Arwen's hot," Aragorn pointed out. Faramir shrugged in agreement.

The scene cuts and Faramir is walking quickly into the throne room. Eowyn is sitting on the steps leading up to the throne, writing something furiously in a book. She looks up and sees Faramir storm in. She puts the book aside and runs up to hug Faramir.

"I have grave gossip to tell you! Eowyn said, "Arwen and my bro-"

"Not now Eowyn, I have much more pressing matters to attend to, Aragorn refuses to become king, and he is hiding up in a tree. I don't know what to do." Faramir slumped down where Eowyn had been sitting. He held his head in his hands. Eowyn put her hand tentatively on his shoulder, looking like she might burst in a minute if he couldn't tell him her suspicion.

Faramir looked up and kissed her hand. He saw the book from the corner of his eye; he picked it up and flicked through the pages. The camera shifts to look over Farmers' shoulder, revealing "Mrs Eowyn Faramir written on every page and decorated with little love hearts.

Eowyn stares in fear, Faramir stares at her too for a second before saying, "Eowyn, this is…beautiful," and hugging it to his chest.

* * *

><p>Sorry I've been away for so long guys! So next chapter, will Aragorn come down from his tree and assume responsibility as king? Will Eowyn tell anyone about Arwen? Will Gandalf crash the car? More than likely!<p>

Cheers to CrackinAndProudOfIt for all the motivation!

Little Easter eggs in this chapter, if you can guess the more obvious one you will get: internet loves!

If you can guess the other one (which is pretty hard I'll admit) then you get: super-duper internet worship love!

If not then I shall reveal the Easter eggs next chapter because who likes not finding the answer?


	8. We got bigger problems

It has come to my attention that I kept swapping thranduils trusty steed from moose to elk. Um, that wasn't intentional I don't think but the fandom can't decide, it took like 3 months to figure out what it was so, it's all good!

So the first easter egg in the last chapter was from The suite life of zack and cody (please don't judge me it was a post on 9gag about mosby teaching London to drive) I just think that Gandalf would be a terrible driver. And the second, more obscure easter egg was a reference to Supernatural where a fangirl gets Sam to fall in love with her and he reads her diary which has "mrs sam Winchester" written all over it and he actually thinks its sweet. Not saying that Faramir is a little crazy or anything!

Exams! Exams! I swear I'd rather take the ring to mordor than do exam revision!

* * *

><p>Thranduil and Thorin are sitting at a table in Thranduils great hall. They are sipping starbucks lattes because they are awesome; Thranduils however is a no fat skinny latte.<p>

"So, no more brunch for the hobbits?" Thranduil said as he took another sip of his latte.

"Well, yes. Dude, why do you keep calling it brunch, it's elevensies." Thorin said, raising an eyebrow.

"It's brunch.

"No it's not."

If it's too late for breakfast, but too early for lunch, then its brunch, everyone knows that. Well at least _civilized _people know that." Thranduil said smugly.

"Excuse me bitch, what did you just say?"

"Oh, nothing, nothing. Except that your people are a bunch of dirty hobos."

"How dare you!" Thorin said, throwing his coffee in Thranduils face. The elf wiped the coffee out of his eyes before doing a very diva-ish trying-to-get-the-coffee-off-my-hands-shake and blinking several times.

"Look! Look at what you made me do!" Thorin yelled at him. Thranduil crossed the room and stretched out luxuriously on his antler throne*.

"I have done nothing, but if you don't calm down, I shall call my men and have you thrown in the dungeon again."

"After all we've been through, and you're still a little cow?!" Thranduil yelled angrily, "I thought we reconciled!"

Thranduil shrugged. "Times change."

"You bastard!"

Thranduil gasped aloud. "And to think I was gonna invite you to one of my fabulous elk-moose parties?! This is it! We are no longer friends!"

"I never liked you anyway!" Thorin said, "Why can't you just ride a horse like everyone else? And you know what else: I never liked your lembas!"**

"Guards!" Thranduil yelled.

* * *

><p>We join Bilbo in a flash back sitting at his kitchen table. The door slams open and Frodo is standing there staring at him before walking off in a huff. He walks back in a moment later, throws a letter down on the table and walks out in a huff again.<p>

Bilbo picked up the letter; he hadn't seen this kind of letter, in well, 60 years. It was beautiful parchment, some of the best kind you could get. Bilbo opened the letter inside, it read in very scruffy handwriting:

"_Come at once to Erebor if convenient, if inconvenient, come all the same_"

Bilbo nearly spat out the tea he was drinking.

* * *

><p>Elrond is standing in the middle of his study, he was shouting as it was extremely messy after Thranduil had decided to crash the party. Right now it had taken 3 days to get most of Rivendell back in order, someone had thought it would be funny to get the elk drunk and let it go on a rampage.<p>

"I want those books put back in alphabetical order!" Elrond shouted, "Lindir! Coffee now!"

Lindir popped up beside him handing him a coffee. Elrond looked at him suspiciously, "Why is there no alcohol in this?" He asked deadly serious. Lindir pulled out a flask of alcohol from inside his sleeve and poured the whole contents into Elrond's coffee.

"Um, Elrond," Lindir said, "You have a meeting with Thranduil in 5 minutes."

"Great, what's the meeting about?" Elrond asked sarcastically.

"I don't know sir; he wouldn't say what it was for, only that it was extremely important."

"Fine, fine," Elrond said, leaving the room and the elves to tidy up. Lindir followed him quietly. Lindir led him down a corridor and a flight of stairs before he stopped in front of a large door. "He's in here," He said.

Elrond nodded, gave back the empty coffee cup to Lindir and closed the doors behind him. Thranduil sat at the head of the table, looking very serious.

"Elrond," the blonde elf said.

"Thranduil," Elrond replied, sitting down in a chair, never taking his eyes off Thranduil. "Why are you here? It better be to apologize. Your stupid elk thing ruined my library completely. Do you know how long it will take to fix it? I had those books arranged in alphabetical, colour, size and smell order."

"No, actually," Thranduil said, "it's about Lindir."

"What about him?" Elrond asked a hint of panic in his voice.

"When were you going to tell me?"

"Tell you what?"

Thranduil slammed his fist down onto the table, "the he is my son!" He hissed.***

"What? Lindir isn't your son!" Elrond laughed.

Thranduil raised an eyebrow, "really? You really want to deny that? I saw him dance the other night; he has my moves and sassiness! He has your eyebrows, sort of, and hair colour! You never ever told me who his mother was; you just said that he was an orphan elf you picked up off the streets!"

Elrond looked down for a moment, "I couldn't tell him," he said slowly, "Because I couldn't risk the shame of having a bastard son. You know how much the elves like to gossip!"

"Then why didn't you send him to Lorein? Why keep him as your PA? Why didn't you tell me?"

"So I can see him every day.

"It's not fair."

"I know that but how could I let him be my son? It'd be like wuthering heights all over, the twins would be Hindley and Lindir would be Heath and for gods sake we all know that Arwen makes about as much sense as older Cathy."

"And younger," Thranduil added.

"Yes. So you see, I couldn't have a bastard in the family, you know, Wuthering Heights, Jon Snow…bastards never fair well."

"You hid your pregnancy well."****

"Thank you." Elrond said, reaching out for Thranduils hand. The doors slammed open and Lindir stood there, with the most incredulous, shocked look on his face.

"Lindir!" Elrond and Thranduil said in unison.

"When?!" Lindir yelled, "When were you going to tell me?!"

* * *

><p>Commercial break!<p>

* * *

><p>Aragorn has finally decided to climb down from his tree, as it was apparently too cold and his backside hurt too much to stay up there. Thankfully, Faramir has agreedto look after Gondor for the rest of the week as it was too much hassle to get Aragorn to own up to his responsibilities. Aragorn is out with Arwen at a dimly lit, romantic restaurant.<p>

Arwen looks around nervously and keeps checking her carrier pigeon. Aragorn clears his throat.

"Darling," he says to her. Arwen looks up at him and smiles.

"Yes?"

"Can you please put the pigeon away?"

Arwen smiles again and laughs nervously, "Of course," she shoos away the pigeon but still looks around the restaurant nervously.

"You seem distant." Aragorn said. "In fact, you've been distant for a while now. Is something upsetting you my love?"

"No, no, it's just work."

"You don't work."

Arwen twiddled with her hair nervously, "Oh, well it's er, just Elrond. He's been jumpy lately and his PA Lindir keeps acting up. It's nothing really."

Outside the restaurant we see Eowyn look through the window, trying not to be seen. People passing on the street give her an odd look. The camera angle changes so that we are looking over her shoulder. We see Aragorn and Arwen kiss each other. Eowyn gasps and storms into the restaurant.

The camera changes again so we are viewing Aragorn and Arwens table. Eowyn storms up to them and a waiter hurriedly walks up to the table with a bottle of wine.

"Wine?" He asked the pair.

"No," Arwen said quickly.

"Perhaps the menu?"

"No." Arwen repeated.

Eowyn pushed the waiter out of the way "Aragorn!"

"Eowyn!" Aragorn said, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to tell you that Arwen is a lying cheater!" She said pointing at Arwen.

Arwen looked cooly back at her whilst Aragorn kept looking at the two women. "Is this true?" He asked her.

"No, absolutely not. Have you even got any proof?" Arwen asked her.

Eowyn nodded. "I have the pictures," she said, pulling out a stack of photos from the sleeve of her dress and threw them at Aragorn. He flicked through them, one of them was of Arwen walking down the hall in the hospital to Eomers room, another was of the two of them walking together in Rivendell.

"Is this true?" Aragorn asked her.

"No. I mean look at these pictures! They prove nothing!" Arwen said.

"It's true." Eowyn said, "Eomer confessed to me on tape-"

"Perhaps a cocktail?!" The waiter yelled. Eowyn shoved him out of the way again.

"I have this as well," Eowyn gave Aragorn a letter, "it's from Arwen to Eomer.

Aragorn read it quickly, his eyes filling with tears. Arwen leaped to her feet and punched Eowyn in the face.

"You bitch!" She yelled at the blonde.

* * *

><p>We see Thorin is indeed locked in Thranduils dungeon again. He looks miserable, but hot and dirty with his sleeves ripped showing off his muscly arms. It is dark, but we hear footsteps and someone wearing a hood and carrying a lantern stops in front of his cell and jangles the keys. The lantern flickers and for a brief second and we see a scared, pale mouth with pointed teeth smile at Thorin.<p>

* * *

><p>Commercial break!<p>

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><p>The now present day Bilbo is standing outside of Erebor, it's cloudy and very windy. Bilbo wraps his coat tighter around him and heads into the mountain. Inside it is dark and there is a faint rustling of coins. Bilbo walked slowly down the entrance corridor to the reception hall, the pounding of his heat audible. Bilbo turns around quickly.<p>

"I knew you would come here," someone said. Bilbo turned his head slowly.

"Who are you?" Bilbo asked

"You know me," the voice answered. Suddenly the candles in the reception hall lit. A shadow moved quickly, only a tail seen. Something moved very quickly and stopped inches away from Bilbos face. He scrunched up his eyes, looking like he was in pain. Slowly Bilbo opened his eyes.

"Smaug?" He asked.

"Oh, you know I like to be called Smauglock." Said the figure. The camera panned out and sure enough it was the dragon Smaug or Smauglock, his arms crossed looking very annoyed.

Bilbo inhaled sharply, then without thinking head-butted the dragon. Smauglock laughed and shook his head, Bilbo fell back onto a pile of treasure. "I thought you were dead!" The hobbit yelled.

"Oh no. I only faked my death. The laketownfall I like to call it. Ingenious don't you think?" Smauglock said looking pleased with himself.

"I thought you were dead for 3 years!"

"More like 60 but whatever, you were never that bright Bilbo."

"You made me believe you were dead!"

"Well yes, we couldn't have those silly dwarves going after me and my loved ones," Smauglock looked sad for a second. "It was much safer for you all to think I was dead."

"I can't believe you. Why then after all this time?"

"Because, we have bigger problems now then dwarves and masters of lake town to deal with."

"No, not him, I saw him, he shot himself with his own bow."

"Even worse, it's his _apprentice._" Smauglock said.

"Oh no."

* * *

><p>* Have you guys seen the gifs of Thranduil on his throne yet? It's made out of antlers <em>I USE ANTLERS IN ALL OF MY DECORAAATING<em>

** emperor's new groove reference!

***so you know how figwit is in Flight of the concords, theres a video called pretty prince of parties where bret (figwit) pretends to be a prince of parties, and Thranduil is a dwarf racist party dad, and looking at Lindir/figwit, he looks sorta like Elrond, but as he likes to party, is the love child of Thranduil and Elrond! That's just my headcannon

**** male elves can get pregnant because in fandom everything and anything can happen

Whos busting thorin outta jail? Could it be…Azog?! How will Lindir react to the news he is a bastard child?! What about Aragorn now Arwens secret has been outed.

Smauglock, yay or nay? And the protest for elevensies to remain?


	9. Uh oh

We now re-join Bilbo and Smauglock who are walking slowly out of Erebor, Smauglock has his coat and scarf on and Bilbo's limp is now gone.

"What are we going to do?" Bilbo asked the dragon.

"Well, first off this elevensies case," Smauglock said, turning so his face was level with Bilbo's. "Obviously all you hobbits are fat," He said looking the hobbit up and down, "you all eat too much, you eat too much because you all smoke pipe weed, I can see it on your jacket, the finest the shire can offer but leaves you all incredibly hungry, the slang term being 'the munchies'. That alongside your already high metabolism means that you eat more and more, all the time if you have to which leads to high blood pressure and coronary problems. You yourself have put on weight I can see your buttons stretching, but doing away with elevensies all together will cause mass panic and chaos, not to mention total anarchy, no, no, we can't have that. It will upset the total agricultural system of middle earth."

"So, you will help us?" Bilbo asked. Smauglock nodded. "But what about the bowman?"

"We'll cross that when we get to it Bilbo! But first, we need a taxi!" Smauglock put his hand out and sure enough a London style taxi stopped for them.

* * *

><p>"Lindir?" Elrond knocked on his door. "Please let us in."<p>

A muffled "No" was the reply.

"Move," Thranduil pushed him aside gently, he knocked on Lindir's door, "sweety, please open the door. I have hot chocolate. And ice cream, and cookies. Please sweety, we just want to talk." The door opened, Lindir stood in the doorway, his eyes all read and puffy and he had a tissue clutched in his hand. He moved to sit back on his bed. Elrond walked into the room as well, standing there awkwardly whilst Thranduil sat next to Lindir on the bed.

"Sweety," Thranduil hugged Lindir, "We never meant to hurt you."

Lindir struggled out of Thranduil's arms; he looked at Elrond before screaming, "What? Didn't you love me? Why make me be your PA? Why couldn't I grow up like Arwen? IS IT BECAUSE I'M A BASTARD?! I am not Jon Snow!"*

Elrond looked slightly taken aback. "Of course. I do love you, but you simply couldn't be a legitimate child of mine. Thranduil and I were young and silly and drunk. I mean when I found out I knew I wanted to keep you, and I do love you, so so much. And that is why I'm glad I made you my PA. None of my other children have any sort of work ethic, look at Arwen, she's a spoiled princess. I was going to make you the heir of Rivendell, to be honest I thought Arwen would get married to a rich man by now and you know, boring and the boys are never here." He reached out and touched Lindir on the shoulder, "I love you son."

"I didn't know you even were my son," Thranduil said. "But I am glad that you are, because now I have more children, and you have my dance moves! Legolas doesn't but you do! You have my sassiness!" He hugged Lindir again. Lindir smiled and let go, he turned back to Elrond.

"All this time I thought I was an orphan. You will never be able to order me around again; I am no longer your PA."

Elrond rolled his eyes, "You will, I know you Lindir. Now let's go get ourselves a coffee."

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><p>Commercial break!<p>

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><p>Arwen punched Eowyn's face. "You bitch, I'll kill you!" She tried to leap for Eowyn again but Aragorn held her back.<p>

"Stop!" Aragorn said, gripping Arwen's arms tightly. Eomer randomly ran into the room, as in a soap opera everyone knows where everyone is and what everyone is doing.

"Eomer!" Arwen yelled, shrugging out of Aragorn's arms and fixing her dress.

"What's going on?" Eomer said, looking at Eowyn and Arwen in turn.

"We know your secret, brother. And I must say I'm ashamed of you. Arwen? You could have done much better!" Eowyn spat.

Aragorn looked at Arwen, "Is this true?"

Arwen sighed, "Yes. It is. I was cheating on you. But it's just; you're still such a young teenager! You're too sweet, you're not rough enough and you are never around! You're always going out with your friends; you never have enough time for me! I was bored; I need to be loved by everyone!" She said trying to touch Aragorn but he shirked away from her.

"Eowyn," Eomer stared at his sister, "how could you?"

"I forbid you from seeing her brother! Also because she's a bitch and she's never satisfied with what she has and she is not marrying into the family!"

"Who said we were going to get married?" Arwen asked.

"Wait? You don't want to get married?"Eomer said, looking her, astonished.

"No! I don't want to marry you! I'm an elf, I deserve some prince or something, not a horse lord. Bleck."

"Excuse you!" Eowyn said.

"Alright, we're done," Eomer said.

"Ditto," Aragorn said, crossing the room and taking Eowyn's hand. "Eowyn, I am so sorry. Please, let me love you. Let me make you a queen. I'm sorry I ever doubted you. You're the person I was originally meant to be with!"

"But, but-" Eowyn began because at that moment, Faramir walked into the door.

"Eowyn, love of my life! My first girlfriend! I love you, did I mention that I love you and would be distraught if we ever broke up, not like I'm a psycho ex at all!"

"Shit," Aragorn said. "Eowyn, do you love me?"

"Wait, what," Faramir said. "Eowyn is my girlfriend. You have Arwen."

"Not anymore," Eomer said, "she was playing us both."

"Oh."

"Aragorn, I uh, I don't know what to say. I mean, I love you, but I love Faramir as well. I can't, I can't choose."

Eomer sat back, with a smug look on his face, his arms crossed. "Who are you going to pick Eowyn?"

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><p>Commercial break!<p>

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><p>Back at the shire!<p>

The hobbits have protested outside of the shire limits due to the elevensies potentially taken away. They had chained themselves all together and had signs and food stashed in their clothing.

"No, seriously guys, you're getting fat. Stop eating so much." A strike breaker told them.

"Never!" An older hobbit yelled, throwing his sign at the man, "I've had elevensies since I was a boy and my daddy and his daddy and his and so on from the dawn of time! I will not give it up!"

"It's just food man," the strike breaker said, walking away.

"Some people eat to live, I live to eat," Pippin said, looking very cheerful.

The strike breaker arrived with more strike breakers who had shield riots. One of them stepped forward with a megaphone, "Hobbits. You will move or we will move you by force. We demand that you give up elevensies as it is unhealthy and you're all getting fat."

Suddenly there was a very loud roar in the sky. The hobbits all tried to get up and move, but as they were chained together, couldn't, and fell down again.

"Dragon!" Someone yelled.

And sure enough Smauglock, with Bilbo on his back landed in front of the hobbits.

"He's back," Frodo said, with a creepy smile on his face.

"No shit Smauglock," Merry said. Smauglock turned his head and glared at him.

* * *

><p>*I couldn't help take a stab at the game of thrones fandom. It's too funny, jon always complains about being a bastard!<p>

And I know this chapter is short, I still have exams! One left, but it's a doozy! I promise a longer one after the exams are all done!

So Arwen will have to face repercussions for her actions and who will eowyn choose?

Also, who busted thorin out of jail! It's still a mystery!


End file.
